Feeling unsettled is easily one of the most annoying things. It is like being hit with a million and one decision and emotions, but somehow nothing seems to resonate, stick, move or sway you. You're just caught in this really odd position of wanting to feel but at the same time not wanting to feel. I will confess and say I am the type of person that tends to not want to feel when I am feeling unsettled and confused, I blatantly choose to ignore myself. I will throw myself into my work, keep myself busy, and literally push myself to ignore the million and one emotions filling my heart and my mind. This obviously hasn't worked out well for me....
I was recently in a situation where a person I trusted disappointed me. This left me quite confused, hurt and angry. I was confused as to why the person did what they did, because if there is one thing I learned is to only hold myself accountable for what I did. That was the first step, acknowledging that though I wanted to blame myself and possibly make myself feel worse, I acknowledged that there was nothing in my actions that might lead someone to misplace my trust. You can only be accountable for what you do or say. The hurt and the anger led to the unsettlement in me. I found myself in a predicament where I could not address the person who inflicted the hurt, and this translated in my mind as "ignore the situation, move on." Basically, decline the call to heal.
The more I found myself trying to ignore the situation, the more it caused discomfort in me. I had become so fixated on ignoring the situation, that the more I tried to ignore it, the more it made me feel confused, the more I felt the anger and the hurt. So push come to shove, well really this pushed and shoved me to address what I was feeling.
But how do you address what you're feeling when you don't even know where to start? Or even how to start? That's the predicament I was caught in. I had gotten so good at finding ways to ignore my feelings that it became hard to even start addressing them, but I realized a big part of this was because I kind of blamed myself for the situation at hand. This also didn't work out and I will be frank and say that I am still healing and learning from this situation.
But here is what I learned and I am learning from all this:
If it has caused you any emotion of unsettlement, don't ignore it. Ignoring our emotions sometimes amplifies them, so don't wait until you hit a wall to address it.
Sometimes when we hit a wall its because we need it. Yes, you may hit a wall, but remember walls are also sometimes there for you to lean on. So if you need to take a beat and exhale, do that for yourself.
Learn to look at your side of things first before you begin to blame yourself. If you can look back and find that you are at peace with what you have said and done, then don't burden yourself with blame.
The less you expect from people then the less you will be disappointed.
Love & Light,
Zuba
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