Are you lonely or do you need the time alone?
One of the hardest questions that I have been grappling with, especially in this season of my life. I have been caught in this weird position of things going well but at the same time things going wrong, or at least going against what I envision for myself.
Safe to say, it is quite odd to be in this position. Over the past few months a lot of relationships in my life have shifted and me being the over-thinker that I am, I get into this headspace of thinking that I may be the issue. I start rethinking and overthinking the whole relationship, particularly searching for ways I may have given someone the leeway to treat me differently.
The truth is, another’s character shouldn’t affect how we move and act; the harder truth is, it does. It affects us and it would be naive to try and think that it does not. The whole concept of reciprocation is often glamorized when we talk about the good parts of relationships. We highlight how reciprocation should be present in love, care, communication etc., but we don’t talk about the other side of things as much. What happens when there is a bump in the road? What happens to the reciprocation when I find myself feeling unloved or misunderstood within the relationship? What happens to the reciprocation then?
All these thoughts with the help of seasonal depression led me down a path of immense overthinking, emotional discomfort, and overall disconnect from people. I felt discomfort in relationships that were important to me and with that, I grew increasingly disconnected from all my relationships overall. Every single day, there was this undying tension between me and choosing to just disappear for a while. I just wanted to climb into a little hole and hide from the alternate realities my brain was creating. On one particular day I did hit rock bottom and probably had the biggest mental and emotional breakdown I had had in a long time. I felt like everything was finally coming down on me and I just had to address it. So what did I do? I slept, slept some more, but in the end, I addressed it.
I started with asking myself why these relationships I was questioning were making me feel uneasy and that also came with harsh realizations. In this process I was candid with people who are close to me, and in this I also realized disparities that may stem from my behaviors. Asking for clarity opened the door for me to better understand why I was overthinking these situations and relationships. A lot of time we think of self-reflection as being just about the self but also connecting with those you connect with the most; an extra and outer lens of my life. I had to accept that there were things in me I had to grow out of or ameliorate just so I could be the person and friend I want to be. Last but not least I learned that sometimes the times we feel lonely are the times your inner self is calling you to spend time alone. Spend time decompressing, reflecting, and re-centering ourselves.
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