Processing the pain, an art that is difficult to master. If you were to sit back and reflect on the times you had to process a painful experience, you would find that you coped in different ways. Sometimes we choose to numb ourselves from the pain, isolate ourselves, or fully ignoring the experience in itself. These unhealthy coping mechanisms are what keep the pain lingering, and we end up carrying it with us for longer than we want to. I was one of those who would choose to numb myself from the pain or just overthink the situation. More time, I would overthink the issues which would almost always come down to me blaming myself for what other people did to me. The main experience that shaped the way I process my pain was my relationship with my father.
I grew up with an absent father who would come into my life and leave as he pleased. I started fighting for a relationship with my Dad when I was about six, and this was when I started down a very slippery slope. I would push for a relationship and with each push came a painful blow. Regardless of the pain I was feeling, I kept pushing for his love. My father remarried and when he got married, things became increasingly worse. His wife was never fond of me, so her influence only led him to say heart wrenching things to me. It broke me, and it got to a point where I was completely numb to the pain and blind to what he was doing to me.
The few times a year I would see him, it seemed as though things were looking up, and of course the child in me thought that every time was going to be better. All the times we would be on a high note, things would hit the fan and then the lowest of lows would hit. However, it did not take long for me to realize that a relationship with my father would never work. Although this clarity came, I was still battling my inner demons. I constantly blamed myself for this failed relationship and essentially seeing myself as a failure. All this affected my academics, relationship with my mother, and my relationship with people in general. I constantly put myself down, doubted my capabilities, and just saw myself as worthless. I used to validate these notions by telling myself that it was the only reason a father wouldn’t his child.
These notions essentially built the foundation of all the self-hate that came after. I chose to not stop and reflect on where I was going with this hate harbored inside me but forced myself to be numb to the pain. However this same numbness I was pushing for, only made the pain and anger worse. I failed to realize that the only person that was really suffering was me. My Dad was out there living his life with his new family, while I was taking it all out on myself. This patterned carried on for years. When I hit my teenage years, I was more hateful than I could ever be. I hated my Dad with a burning passion, and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.
Harboring hate inside my heart was like constantly carrying a set of weights. I was hesitant to engage with people, let alone allow them into my life. Anyone who tried to come into my life would be pushed away because I was afraid of disappointing them more than being afraid of being disappointed. When I was leaving for school last year, I realized that I was going to be starting a completely new journey of my life where I could not afford to be held back anymore. I began to let go and forgive. Now, I can proudly say that I have forgiven my father. I did not forgive because he asked for it or that he deserved but because I deserved better. I deserved to have this weight lifted off my shoulders and most importantly, allow myself to see that I am worthy of being loved.
Choose yourself. Forgiveness is never about them but about YOU. Forgive to set yourself free from the pain anger. We forgive and we do not forget. We never forget because all those experiences add up to our life’s stories and more importantly, they build your character. Our ability to forgive is a testament of our character and heart. So, choose to build yourself for the better. After all, forgiveness is the purest form of love. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive, forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
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