I am sure that we have all heard the saying, “a friend in need, is a friend indeed.” I struggled to understand this concept or rather understand its wording. I came to interpret it by thinking that when a friend comes through for you in your time of need, they are a friend indeed. When we look at the circles we are in, there is different bonds built within that circle. Within these same circles, we all have that one friend that we call the “strong” friend. This person tends to be the person that you go to for rants, advice, tough love, and a shoulder to cry on when you need one. Often times they are the friends that are the glue that keeps your circle going. Essentially these people are also the ones who carry a lot of pressure on their shoulders.
I recently saw a post on social media that said, “Before sharing/venting concerns, first ask the person, ‘do you have the mental space for this right now?’” This hit home for me. Often times when we choose to rant to someone, there are certain boundaries we cross. We are quick to offload on other people without being mindful of their situation, or even stopping to ask about them. I will confess that I am guilty of this at times, but I have been in both situations. When I am on the offloading end, it comes from a place of just wanting to get a weight off my shoulders. Sometimes it is because it’s too much for me to hold in or sometimes it is to get input; a problem shared is a problem half-solved. However in most of these situations, I haven’t stopped myself to ask if the person has the time or the mental energy to take it all in.
On the other hand, being the “strong” friend can be an emotionally tasking job. When I found myself in this position I felt as though I had to constantly be prepared and make myself available to my people, even in times when I was struggling. Often, in the times where I was struggling, I couldn’t bring myself to share the problem because I was supposed to be the strong one. I was supposed to be the one people run to and not me sharing my burden. Having this pressure on me, enabled me to occasionally be in a headspace where I do not care for my needs and put others first. I would ensure that my people are in a safe and sound headspace, even though I wasn’t. Looking back, I came to realize that I had to be giving myself 100%, before I could pour into other people. I had to come first because at the end of the day, I was the only one who was left in a funk.
One thing that we must realize is that we are the common denominator in all things. If you are not well, then what you give off in your words and action will not be good. I continue to stress the importance of putting yourself first, always put yourself first. You cannot expect yourself to give 100% to others when you aren’t giving yourself the same energy. Before you allow yourself to indulge in being someone’s safe space, think about if you are mentally and emotionally able to. Are you ready to be the burden off-loader? If you are not, it is okay to tell your friends to hold off. A true friend would not pressure you into putting your energy at risk but they would rather be there for you.
To my “strong” friends (and everyone in general), please take care of yourself. A true friend will understand when you need to take a beat and recalibrate. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, and moreover allow people to be there for you. Remember that a problem shared, is a problem half solved. Give yourself the utmost love, and it will pour out in what you do. To everyone, CHECK ON YOUR STRONG FRIENDS. Check on the rocks of the group and ensure that they are well too. After all, we strive as friends if we are ALL winning. Be mindful of when you are about to rant or share concerns. We get the best advice, and interactions when we respect each other’s boundaries. So, ask if the person has the mental and emotional capacity, before jumping into a rant. Let us cultivate healthy relationships friends.
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